Cuddling Sucks in Coffins Read online

  Cuddling Sucks in Coffins

  A Reverse Harem Paranormal Romance

  by

  Holly Ryan

  Copyright

  Cuddling Sucks in Coffins © May 2018 Holly Ryan

  Copyright notice: All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Warning: the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.

  Cover design: Erin Hayes

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Join Holly’s Harem Hotties!

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  About the Author

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  Chapter One

  “Immortality.” The word rolled off of Sawyer’s tongue like a tender caress, one that promised heat and pleasure and maybe even a lifetime supply of apple pie.

  The four of us—Eddie, Jacek, Sawyer, and I—were sitting around the kitchen table talking about possible solutions to Paul, the dark unknown who really wanted me dead. We’d been talking about him for three days straight since the night of my twentieth birthday, intermingled with quite a bit of bodily exploration.

  Our bodies. Not Paul’s, in case that wasn’t clear. I didn’t want anyone else between my legs. Three vamps were enough. Ha, listen to me. Three vamps were enough. Yeah, you think?

  Jacek squirmed in his chair next to me. He’d just woken up and was only wearing blue-striped boxers, not that I was complaining. His bare arm grazed mine as he lifted it to run his hand down the back of his short brown hair. “We know how to make slayers into vampires. It’s complicated, not like with regular humans, but...it’s worked before.”

  “With who?” I asked.

  His amber gaze flicked away, and his usual panty-dropping grin was nowhere in sight.

  Thick silence blanketed the cozy kitchen, edged with tension and everything that wasn’t being said. It wasn’t my place to press them because I knew just enough about their pasts for that knowledge to traumatize me when I hadn’t even lived it.

  Eddie glanced at Jacek through his sexy mess of blond hair and black-framed eyeglasses and leaned back in his chair across from me. “That’s probably too long of a story before your patrol. But you say the word, Sunshine, and we’ll get the gears in motion to make you one of us.”

  “No offense, but vampires aren’t all that immortal,” I reminded them. “I’ve been proving that night after night for eleven years.”

  “But we do have increased speed, increased strength. Pair that with a slayer’s power and it could give you a definite advantage,” Sawyer said from my other side.

  I heard the implied maybe in his statement loud and clear. The truth was no one knew much of anything about Paul, especially how to beat him. Becoming a vampire could certainly lessen the number of ways I could be killed, but it didn’t guarantee anything. Besides, since my mom had died of cancer, I’d always secretly dreamed of seeing her again. Of course I had no way of knowing if I could, but since I’d had a marriage proposal from the devil himself, I had to believe there was a heaven. She’d be there if there was, no question about it. At the very least, I would settle for just lying in my coffin next to hers in the cemetery. Anything just to be near her again.

  Like always when I thought of her, my grief pulled in the walls around me and threatened to reduce me into a puddle.

  Sawyer, always quick to sense my raw, roiling emotions, palmed my thigh with his big hand. “No one’s asking you to make this decision right this second, Belle. It’s only an offer.”

  I nodded, taking comfort from his warrior’s body next to mine. Once a slave from Brazil, he’d been trained to kill slayers for the Necron Brotherhood several hundred years ago. But he never did. He was much too good and had dedicated his immortal life to helping others, including everyone at this table. I traced my fingertips over his sun and moon tattoos covering his bronze skin, soaking his vampy chill into my natural heat.

  “Forever with the three of you...” I forced a breath. That idea inspired many tingly thoughts. “You wouldn’t mind sharing me? It’s okay with you two that Sawyer’s hand is creeping up my thigh?”

  Sawyer chuckled as he leaned in, his lips tickling my ear. “You’re the one pulling my hand up your thigh.”

  “Lies,” I breathed as I yanked his hand up even farther.

  Jacek’s hand roamed over my other thigh to the inside and squeezed, a grin cupping his beautiful mouth. “You have two legs last time I checked.”

  Eddie’s eyes flamed red across the table, and he shot me a look filled with burning hunger that lit me up from the inside out. He growled, a low thrum that pulsed the air between us. “I’ll take what’s in the middle of those gorgeous legs.”

  My whole body fevered under their touches, scorching looks, and searing words. I was pretty sure I was about to catch fire. They always did this to me, turned me on to a whole new level I’d never even known about before I met them. I had the female version of a constant boner. When I wasn’t screwing them, I was imagining screwing them in every possible position, often all of us together at once. Like now. Because why the hell not?

  Oh, right. I had to go patrol. Already the stomach cramps were kicking in, and the bottoms of my feet felt like I had a bad rash. Instant turn-off.

  Mostly.

  Eddie gripped the edge of the table. “Fuck, Sunshine, your scent is through the roof right now.”

  I shrugged apologetically. “Desire and sunshine, a potent combination for smells, apparently. I never knew I was broadcasting how horny I was.”

  “Am, you mean.” Eddie licked his lips and eyed me hungrily. “You are horny.”

  I groaned as I stood. “I wonder why that is. I’ll take my pent-up sexual frustration out on some vampires tonight, and then I’m coming back. Be ready.”

  Jacek winked. “You can count on it, Slayer.”

  They followed me to the front door. I picked up my duffel bag by the door, shrugged into my jacket, and patted myself down to see that I had everything. Stakes, seraph knife strapped to my thigh, Kevlar vest, some larger tools that leaned against the wall, and three beautiful vampires I could cuddle when I was done patrolling.

  “Behave yourselves while I’m gone,” I warned.

  “Nah,” Jacek said, crossing his arms.

  I laughed.

  Pretty sure he was packing a stiffy between his legs, but I didn’t want to stare. I did anyway though. Actually all of them were tenting in a major way while they looked at me like somethin
g to be worshipped.

  Somehow, I turned my back on them and the erotic need pouring off of their insanely gorgeous bodies.

  As soon as I shut the door behind me, my laughter still touching my lips, I steeled my spine at the sudden shift of atmosphere. Inky black shadows immediately blotted out the happy sultriness I’d felt inside. The still night air tasted thick and somehow unnatural, as if I were breathing in sludge.

  Paul was near. It had to be him. He had this way about him that seemed to pull down gravity like a window shade, darkening everything. Weighing it down. Crushing it.

  But not me. Not tonight, Paul.

  My slayer beast mode switched on, but still, the hairs along the back of my neck spiked as I stepped off the porch. Nights lately came fast and cold as fall hurtled itself toward winter. I shivered myself farther into my leather jacket, already missing the warmth I’d just left.

  Hiking up my duffel bag and gripping the night’s necessary tools tighter, I set off toward the graveyard next door. It wasn’t every day I headed there with a shovel and a blowtorch, but these were interesting times. More so than usual anyway. And that was really saying something since I was the vampire slayer.

  The cemetery’s grounds man, Tim, had lost his life to Paul just a few a days ago, a fact that would never stop weighing on my conscience. Since then, someone else—sent by Podunk City, I guessed—had been locking up tight and not allowing me access inside the graveyard. So I’d had to smash every one of the shiny new locks. Waste of a perfectly good lock, if you asked me, but it was the best I could do for now.

  After I closed the creaky gate behind me, I scoured the graveyard for movement, then swept along the path toward the mausoleum near the back with the name Appelt above the stone door. Whoever was buried inside had tried to escape up the steps recently. Odd for someone who’d been long dead. Impossible, too, since they were still dead. Ah, the mysteries of dead people behavior. But where the coffin had previously been, there was a trapdoor that had refused to budge. Once my shovel, blowtorch, and I entered the mausoleum, it was sure to be a party to get that sucker open.

  Was it a good idea to open random things I knew nothing about? No. Was I going to anyway? Signs pointed to hell yes. I was pretty sure my patronus was a curious cat.

  I stopped in my tracks, an icy chill running along my scalp. It wasn’t the painful drill into the back of my skull that I’d come to associate with Paul, but...someone else.

  Just then, the door to the mausoleum creaked open. My pulse slammed into my throat. Was I about to be joined in the graveyard by Mr. or Ms. Appelt, who’d somehow finally freed themselves from that pesky thing known as death?

  Because I was a dumbass, I was carrying too many trapdoor-opening tools to swipe the stake from the bun on top of my head. So I ducked behind a nearby cherub statue and peered around it with one eye.

  Darkness crowded the inside of the mausoleum, outlining something even darker. Something large.

  Was this Paul, now at full power, and prepared to take me out himself this time? I swallowed several times in quick succession and coiled my muscles in preparation for an epic throw down. Whether it was mine or his, I was about to find out.

  The figure stepped out, dark eyes searching. Not a watery blue like Paul’s. Not wearing a striped-sleeved bowling shirt like Paul. Moonlight glinted off a piece of silver stuck to his belt. A police badge. If that didn’t scream he was a cop, the rest of him sure did. Dressed in an ill-fitting gray suit and tie, he was youngish with thin lips twisted in a scowl and a blond buzz cut.

  “Just take care of it,” he growled into the cell phone at his ear. Then he ended the call and stashed the phone in his back pocket. A pause. “Miss, you can come out. I know you’re here.”

  Shit. I closed my eyes. No way he was talking to me. He was probably talking to the dead—

  “Belle, right? I’ve seen you around.”

  Damn it all to hell.

  Taking a deep, silent-as-can-be breath, I started to place my tools and duffel bag on the ground in the hopes he wouldn’t see them. But the strap of my duffel chose that moment to skip down my arm and wind itself around everything imaginable just as he stepped behind the cherub.

  “Yeah?” I tried to sound casual as if this were an everyday thing. For me it was, except usually without an audience. And usually without the shovel and flamethrower in my hands.

  Well, this didn’t look suspicious at all.

  His dark eyes took in the situation I was currently tangled in and then narrowed. “How did you get in here?”

  “The lock was busted.” I jerked my head the way I’d come in case he didn’t know which lock I was talking about.

  “You mind telling me what you’re doing here after hours?”

  I couldn’t try the truth because I literally couldn’t tell humans what I was, and he’d never believe me anyway since humans forgot they’d seen vampires as soon as they looked away. “My cat snuck in here?” I hadn’t meant to ask it as a question since that wasn’t exactly how lies worked, so I nodded to confirm it.

  “You always bring a shovel and flamethrower when you go looking for your cat?”

  I shrugged. “He’s a very unruly cat.”

  “Miss, were you aware there was a murder in this cemetery just a few nights ago?”

  My blood leached from my body, leaving me cold and empty except for that nightmare churning deeper into my mind. I was all too aware. “No, I...I hadn’t heard.”

  “I would suggest you leave your cat until morning and then call the area vets and shelters to see if someone brought him in. It’s not safe out here for a young woman like you.”

  A young woman like me? In some ways, I was the reason it wasn’t safe. Paul was after me and had made his murderous point clear by killing Tim, who’d happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe just like this cop. He really shouldn’t be here when I was.

  “Do you come here often?” I asked, realizing too late that it sounded like a bad pick-up line.

  “I’m just securing the area. There was some damage inside this mausoleum, and the grounds man who would usually take care of it is...well...” He clamped his thin lips shut and sighed.

  I nodded, a wave of nausea threatening the back of my throat.

  “Tragic, really.” His brown eyes scoured the graveyard, and he posted his hands on his hips. The fabric of his oversized gray jacket folded away from his waist, enough for me to catch part of what was printed there—Detective. “Something about this place feels...not quite right.”

  He could say that again. Tonight especially, that feeling had me in a chokehold.

  “I don’t think you should be here at night,” I blurted. “It’s not safe.”

  His sharp gaze zeroed in on me. “Do you know something about what happened?”

  “No, I just... You’re not safe here. No one is. Not at night, anyway, when...” I’m here, I almost said. “Not after what happened.”

  He puffed up his chest, which only made his suit swallow him even more, his fingers tapping on his badge as if for a reminder. “Is that a threat, miss?”

  “No, it’s the truth.”

  Dark amusement twisted his thin mouth. “Is it you that I should be afraid of?”

  I shook my head. “I’m one of the good guys.”

  He was silent for a long moment, assessing me, and I found it curious that he didn’t remind me that he was one of the good guys too.

  “I think you should go now,” he finally said, nodding toward the gate. “On the way out, I would familiarize yourself with the cemetery’s operating hours on the sign if I were you.”

  Negative. I hadn’t even started my patrol yet. But if it got him to leave...

  “Fine.” I turned on the path. “I’ll go, Detective...?”

  “Appelt.”

  I gasped, my steps hitching slightly. Appelt, the same name as the mausoleum he’d just walked out of. It wasn’t terribly surprising, I supposed, but I did find it odd that he w
as there at this hour while growling into his cell phone and acting all suspicious toward the shifty slayer.

  “Good luck finding your cat, miss,” he called.

  I tipped my shovel, and my duffel still wrapped around its handle, over my shoulder in salute, my slayer sense burning for sounds of him following. He wasn’t. Well, shit. I couldn’t do a very thorough job of patrolling if I wasn’t inside the graveyard. Better to hide out somewhere until he left, or cause a distraction somewhere so he’d go faster. Maybe a distraction with my imaginary missing cat. Whatever I was about to do, I needed to do it quickly since Detective Appelt was a sitting duck for both vampires and Paul.

  As soon as I swung the gate open on squawky hinges, I spotted a possible solution, though not a very good one. A car parked across the street with shiny new hubcaps that practically begged to be stolen. Good thing I wasn’t in a stealing mood. But it did give me an idea.

  I strode toward another nearby car, this one with much older, duller hubcaps, the icy bite in the air nipping at my cheeks and nose. One of the hubcaps easily came loose, and I chucked it far down the street along the length of the cemetery, its bangs and rattles slicing through the silent night.

  “Sylvester!” I cried, drawing the syllables out in mock desperation.

  Surely everyone along the block had heard that ruckus, including my three vampires who would no doubt have questions about who this Sylvester was. Before anyone could come investigate, I sprinted toward the hubcap, snatched it from the road, and ducked behind a bush at the far side of the graveyard. Sure enough, Detective Appelt charged out into the street about half a block away. Even from this distance, I could hear his police radio buzzing through the open window of his nearby car. When he saw no sign of an unruly cat or an even unrulier slayer, he got into his car and started the engine.

  I loosened a breath. As soon as he was gone, I could start my patrol. So the cop wouldn’t see me as he drove past, I circled to the back of the cemetery, keeping close to the tall iron fence that enclosed it. My slayer sense prickled for any sign of vamps, cops, Paul, stray cats, and everything in between.